Dear Gabriel,
Happy 35th Birthday, my love. I have so much to say, but really don’t know where to begin.
Do you remember how I wished you a happy birthday upon your waking last year?
“Happy birthday, babe… I’m in labor,” I told you.
“Wait. Seriously?” You had been hoping for a birthday twin, but given how much I liked to tease you, it was no surprise that you figured I was joking with you. But that glimmer in your eyes gave you away.
“Yes, seriously. I’ve been awake off and on since a little after 4 with contractions.”
And so your 34th birthday began. Walking with me, timing contractions, standing by while I made chilaquiles because I was craving them and wanted them the way I made them, rubbing my back, sitting outside the shower just in case, helping me on and off the ball, walking, rubbing my back, walking, rubbing my back, and more walking. Finally after 14 hours of laboring at home, we went to the hospital…. Where your daughter held out until 4am the following day for her own birthday. Lol. And yet, you loved every single moment of your birthday last year, because it drew you so much closer to meeting Olivia.
Feeling your love through all those moments as I was laboring was something so beautiful. Do you remember the nervous anticipation waiting for Olivia to get here? Do you remember when it was finally time to push? And then when that tiny little human came earthside? That incredible joy you felt? And the fear, let’s be honest. Lol. Although, I don’t know why you would have ever been afraid. You were made to be a Dad. Olivia will never question her Father’s love. She is so, so incredibly blessed to have you as her Daddy.
We got to take that little munchkin home the next day… Only to come back a few days later. And as your joy of fatherhood took on strong footing, I began to spiral. And somewhere along the way, darkness took over. Yet there you were. Always fighting for me. No matter what. My rock. I often say that I don’t have to look far for example’s of Christ’s love because I am blessed to have an example as my spouse. Your love is unrelenting. You walked through the fiery depths of hell with me. Nobody comes out of that unscathed. But what did happen is that we grew a deeper relationship with God as he held us tightly and ensured our marriage was strong. Thank you for supporting me when understanding PPD was so incredibly difficult. It makes no sense. We prayed for Olivia. We waited a long time. So to look at your wife and see her unhappy and not wanting your daughter, wanting to disappear and even die, must have been so hard. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for learning what was going on. Thank you for fighting. And thank you for loving me through it all, even when I didn’t want it.
The days are getting brighter, but the rough patches still exist. We are still growing and learning this different path than planned. Thank you for sticking it through. I love our little family so much. I love you more than words can say. I’m just so grateful that God saw fit to bring you into my life and help us build a foundation upon Him. Thank you for staying strong in the Lord through all this; for not asking why, but what? What do we do now that we are going through this? How can we turn this into good now?
So today, on your birthday, I am dedicating part of that “what” to you. Last year I was busy laboring to birth a baby. This year, I have been laboring away on a website called, “My Postpartum Story”. But the truth is that it isn’t just my story to tell – it very much is yours, my love. In honor of you, Gabriel, I am publishing www.mypostpartumstory.org for all to see. The site is now active, and I will continue to build upon it. Without you and my family, I wouldn’t be here to hopefully help others through this. This is your story, too.
Today we celebrate the most amazing husband and Daddy ever! Olivia and I love you so much!
Love you always,
Sarah
A beautiful tribute!