Well, here we are again… Coming up on an anniversary of such darkness in my journey. And I have been dreading it. Truly dreading it. But as I sit here pondering the upcoming day, I am filled with peace. I realize that what felt like debilitating darkness, ended up ushering in the greatest light I have ever known. What should have been the night I died by suicide in fact became a night of our Father’s deepest grace and mercy. He whispered to me and moved my hand from action. He intervened. He spoke words out of my mouth the next morning that indicated I needed help and wasn’t safe. He put the right people in the right situations to be here to support me. He made miraculous appointments occur and timelines match up to get me into treatment. He met me in the dungeon, truly. And he sat and filled the space with peace and confidence in Him. He literally made a paper appear out of nowhere approving the life-saving treatment I received when just minutes prior I was told it had been denied and we were out of time. He saves us over and over again. And I try to be faithful to the whisperings He continues to give me, but sometimes I let my flesh intervene and speak against it. Well, right now, and going forward, I am choosing to ignore my secular mind and follow what God has been prompting me for over a month.
At Revive Night at Heart of the City Church in December (12/7/2021), my sweet friend, Angela Hazen, was worshipping on stage and singing a new song. It was beautiful and the presence of God was ushered in by members of the worship team. And as I sang, a new song was also being written on my heart. God kept pressing in this phrase over and over: “let the ash float from me”. And it might sound dark, but it was such an incredibly joyful phrase. I’ve been in the fire and was never alone. That fire allows for refining. So yes, God, let the ash float from me! I’m ready to serve however you want me to. I’m ready to be free in living for you!
So I tucked it away, making a note of it in my phone. But it just kept coming back to me over the coming days. And then, in the next couple weeks, more phrases would be written on my heart. So again, I would make a note of them in my phone. Finally, after making so many notes, I realized that I likely needed to sit down with these words. It’s been a very long time since I have put pen to paper in an artistic way, and even longer still since it has ever been to glorify God. But these words, and phrases, they all came together in a way that was not accidental. God was writing some of my story over the last two years – struggling to stay alive, to fight my own flesh, to allow the darkness to settle in around me so I could only cling to Him and realize that when I walked through flames, I was never alone. And that I should embrace the fire, because the outcome is always greater. He wrote this for me, to remind me of whose I am! To remind me that I have endured so much with Him, and refining can take time, but the ash is floating off into the breeze. I am continuing to be renewed.
I thought about keeping this to myself, for my own uplifting. However, at church this weekend, Pastors Craig and Seth released a new song that just hit my heart so deeply because it felt tied in to what I think God has been pressing upon me. Because I do want to live my life serving God with whatever He wants, whenever He wants, and however He wants. I owe it all to Him! So I am sharing these words today because I don’t think God gave them to me to tuck away. I believe He gave me these words to share with others, as well as to strengthen me this week! And I thought about waiting to share them until Friday, but realized God gave them to me now, so this is the time.
And for those who don’t know my story, January 21st is the two year anniversary of my failed suicide (I talk rather transparently about my journey in my blog). I don’t take it lightly that The Sound kicks off on that day this year.
Thank you, Lord, for never abandoning us, and for reminders such as these that You are always here!
Embers
Die unto myself
Each day, I try
To be living proof, Lord
Hear my cries
And immerse me in the suffering
If that’s what it takes to become more like my King
For Jesus has already endured all
I am being beckoned by your call
Please consume me
In Your refinery
And let the ash float from me
A new creation, I’ll be
Let the ash float from me
So all the world will see
That as the ash floats from me
In you, I am truly set free
These smoke-filled lungs will continue to worship
For Elohim’s breath keeps all things perfect
So take my burnt offering
Cleansing me of sinful wandering
(Sinful wandering)
You make me whole again, God
In you, chains of bondage are broken and dropped
And I know there is nothing this world can do
That will ever separate me from you
Hallelujah, I am!
Now and forevermore
So let the ash float from me
A new creation, I’ll be
Let the ash float from me
And all the world will see
That as the ash floats from me
In you, I am truly set free
Oh, let the ash float from me
For only in you am I free!
Oh Jesus,
Our Jesus!
Whenever I am losing the light
I set my gaze on the flickering flame
And its enough to sustain
That same fire that saves me in the dark
Saves me from myself by refining all parts
Whenever I am losing the light
I set my gaze on the flickering flame
And its enough to sustain
That same fire that saves me in the dark
Saves me from myself by refining all parts
And it’s a beautiful flame
As I rejoice in suffering and pain
And it’s a beautiful flame
For He stands in the fire with me, reclaimed
And it drives me closer to you, Abba
Healing through refining – that’s my Jehovah Rapha!
Watch the ash float from me.
Watch the ash float from me.
Watch the ash float from me.
I am free.
–Sarah Santos
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”
-Isaiah 61:3 (NLT, emphasis mine)