Life can just be so overwhelming sometimes. And for those of us enduring mental illness, those moments become this struggle in your mind: is what I am feeling normal? Or am I having thoughts indicative of backsliding? I suppose that is normal to be afraid of going back to where I was dragged out of. But it is incredibly triggering to react to a parenting situation and be frustrated, not enjoying parts of this parenting season, and realize that I am still maybe that same monster inside. How dare I feel frustration after coming through what we did as a family? But it is so important to learn to separate the past from the present. And not just the past situations, but the past YOU. I am currently a very different person than I was, with experience and skills to call upon in these moments. I am not headed backwards. I am having normal parenting frustrations and burnout. Or so I am told. It truly is so difficult to give myself grace in that parenting is hard, and I won’t always enjoy it, and I will make mistakes; but none of those things makes me a monster, a bad parent, or somebody who is spiraling.
The weeks have been difficult lately. We are still in winter here, and that always affects my mood a bit. Then the move and Gabe’s new job has him working 70ish hours per week, 6 days a week while getting the operation set up. So I am alone with Olivia… Who has decided she doesn’t want anybody else but me. And she is in a season where she wants to be held a lot. So unpacking the house, while mostly single parenting, just hasn’t been feasible. And it frustrates me to not have things settled. And it definitely overwhelms me to have such chaos.
But I know that this is not forever. Gabe’s work schedule will normalize, the house will eventually get unpacked, and we will enjoy more family time together in our beautiful, blessed home.
So just keep hanging on! Keep praying and worshipping. Keep finding supportive community to surround you and uplift you. Keep being gracious and reaching out when you need help, but also to accept help offered. Keep going, Mama — you are doing great.