September 13, 2020

In the darkness of my 12th night on the psych ward…


Today was a difficult day. Truly, it began yesterday and spilled over into today. I’ve been doing really well with my postpartum depression, feeling much more like my normal self. So hitting a low point really swept me off my feet. I spent much of the morning crying and had to really push to make it to church today. And when I heard the message, I knew the enemy had a lot to do with trying to keep us from getting there and hearing the message of hope God had set out for me (thank you Heart Of The City Church).
One Bible verse in particular stood out today for a reason a bit different than the hope I received from the message. This verse actually ties into my own story and is a testament to God’s faithfulness. I haven’t shared this piece with anybody yet, not even Gabe. It’s been on my heart to share it, and yet, it feels so intimate, this moment between God and I, that maybe I have let fear stand in the way of my telling people the miracles He performs. The Bible verse from church today is Acts 16:25 (NIV): “About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.”
If you have read my story, this verse will tie into my time while inpatient in the perinatal psychiatric unit. If you have not read my story, it is further back in the blog.
It is sometime in the early morning hours after midnight on Tuesday, February 11, 2020. I am wide awake as usual. Nothing they have been able to give me has been able to help me sleep. I spend my time crying, reading, and praying, usually. Tonight is different though. I have been so riddled with heightening anxiety over the past few days, much more than usual, and it is just unbearable. No amount of medication is doing anything. You see, I am supposed to receive the Zulresso infusion in about 12 hours. Since I began my inpatient stay on January 30th, we have been advocating for this infusion and battling the insurance company daily for a decision. We are down to the wire, still awaiting a decision. I firmly believe I will die without it. 12 hours. Tick tock, tick tock. Silence on the unit. No yelling even from the geriatric unit next door like there usually is. No scuffling shoes in the hallways. Tick tock, tick tock. My mind is racing. I’m fidgeting in bed. Praying over and over and over. God save me. Please save me. And my voice rises up in the silence.
Oh Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
And when I think that God, his Son not sparing,
Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in,
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim, “My God, how great thou art!”
I can only imagine what notes went in my chart for my room checks that night! Ummm, the patient in room 4102 has her hand in the air and is singing….? Lol. But in all seriousness, my soul felt utterly broken. But even in that darkness, in the lowest, most broken place I had ever been, I knew God was there, too. And so I praised him. I worshipped him with a song ingrained in me from childhood. And as I sang and cried, I was overcome with this supernatural peace that only He can give. It no longer mattered if I would get the infusion the next day. Because I had finally learned what it meant to fully surrender to God. I was never in control anyway, let’s be honest, but to let go of the burden of thinking I had some control, and let Him carry that weight was, and is, so incredibly freeing. Knowing that no matter what happens, God will see you through it is such a beautiful way to walk through life and I am so grateful for His promises.
That night was long. I continued worshipping and praying… And crying, let’s not start lying now! Finally the morning came. There was a lot of confusion on what was happening. Gabe got there and told me he sat on the phone all morning with the insurance company and they finally approved the infusion. Tears of joy and relief poured down our faces. The feeling was indescribable. While holding Olivia, we hugged as a family; we were going to be okay. But that moment was shattered when we were informed they did not fully approve it and time would run out in the next 10 minutes. Apologies were handed out and we were informed that I would not actually receive the infusion. Gabe turned pale and kept mumbling “no” because he had been on the phone with them for hours that morning, and he flew out to call again, but we were out of time. I sat on the bed deflated, looking at the clock, picking at the IV in my arm that had already been placed in case things went through. And I just remember thinking, “okay God, now what? I know you have something else in the works, please tell me what to do, and please cover Gabe with peace”. As silent tears began to roll down my face, they came running into my room and said, “we just got it! We have to run across the hospital because we only have 3 minutes, let’s go!”. We took off, passing Gabe, AJ, and Olivia in the hall and just flashing a quick thumbs up. I didn’t pack up my room or say good-bye to my new friends and fellow warrior Mamas. It was such a whirlwind. But God made it work. And I think by waiting until the last minute, God wanted everyone to know that this was only possible through Him. There was no room for any doubt! Within 24 hours, my world began to grow so much brighter again. That infusion saved my life. (“Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’” -Luke 7:50) God performed so many miracles in getting me the care I needed. I don’t know how to even begin to explain what it’s like when the miracles are happening to you. I’m sure I will find a voice for it in another post sometime! I do know this: God’s love and mercy is endless. He love’s us just because we are His. If you don’t know God and you would like to, or perhaps you’ve fallen away, it’s never too late. You can always message me! And any Mamas, or support people, dealing with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), please feel free to message as well if I can help in any way.
I would like to leave you with these couple Bible verses:
“May God’s mercy, peace, and love cascade over you!” -Jude 1:2, TPT
“Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope!” -Romans 15:13, TPT