Olivia had such a great time. And, so did I. Which, if you are just joining this journey, might sound silly to include. Of course I had fun. Gabe had fun. Aiden and Natalie had fun. Rachel and Jose had fun. Grandma had fun being up here with us. It was awesome! But I mean, I truly had fun. I experienced joy in celebrating something with my daughter. And this is a new feeling for me. Yes, the fourth of July was the first time I felt present on a holiday with her. However, I was still quite medicated from my hysterectomy just a few days prior, and so couldn’t be as present as I would have liked. So Halloween is absolutely a pin in this journey. I was excited to get ready with the family. I was excited to see the curiosity and delight in Olivia’s eyes as she was wheeled around the neighborhood in her cart. I loved snapping photos and taking videos of her first Halloween. PPD stole a lot of her first holidays for me. But it felt really amazing to know that as she is now entering a phase of her life where she is more participatory and can engage, SO CAN I! My therapist said today, last year she slept through her first holidays, and my mind was asleep in a sense, too. And this year, we get to be awake together. We are on this journey together and I am just so excited for the beautiful memories Gabe and I get to make with her. We are so, so blessed to be on this healing journey together.
And there was a hiccup. Halloween trick-or-treating almost didn’t get to happen for us. I had a covid exposure and then developed a cold. Only, you can’t take a cold at face value following a covid exposure. So, I went and got tested and anxiously awaited my results. Because, should that result be positive, then Olivia’s first Halloween would have been in isolation. And the real bummer…. all of our family coming in to visit for Olivia’s first birthday would not actually get to see any of us. I was so incredibly grateful for that negative result and that my cold was, just in fact, a cold. So, my symptoms abated, and trick-or-treating was back on. Whew!
And if there is any small group of our family together, you should expect some sort of shenanigans. This year, it was ending trick-or-treating with cartwheels. Because, why not?! Even the guys participated! Lol. It was just so much fun to be able to feel like me again and to engage with my family. Most importantly, it was such a wonderful feeling to enjoy my time with Olivia! To actually make memories on the last of her first holidays is just such a gift.
But, with her birthday coming up, I am worried. I’ll be honest — it really has me nervous that the anniversaries of the scary moments from the past year are coming up and I don’t know how my mind will handle it all. I do, however, know that God didn’t fail me then. And so I know he will always walk through every valley with me, and I will endure…. Not just endure, but flourish.
But God.
