Let me preface this by saying that this post should probably have chapters. It is quite long and I apologize in advance. I have been away for a little while and not writing. The first few weeks were because of covid and pneumonia. I was honestly just too sick and exhausted to put my thoughts … Read moreOne Year Later
At this time last year, we were on a red-eye flight to North Carolina. My mind found plenty of creative ways to end everything while on the flights. Mostly I sobbed the entire way, in disbelief that this was my life; that I was seriously flying across the country to admit myself into a perinatal … Read moreRed-eye Reflections
One year ago I typed up this letter in the “notes” on my phone. As you can see, it was nighttime on the 1st of January, 2020. And my mind was done. I wrote this letter and had every intention of leaving it for Gabe the following day. I figured he could give it to … Read moreOn This day — January 1, 2020
I see you, Mama. This year was not what you thought. It wasn’t for me, either. One year ago, you dreamed of all that 2020 would hold. You released the stress of 2019 and hoped for a new dawn in 2020. You desperately reached out for the light that a new chapter would bring. And … Read moreI’m Proud of You
I’m Just So Tired This phrase. I keep thinking it, and sometimes it slips out my mouth. It instantly traumatizes and scares me. And then I think about the impact that statement has on my husband, and my family. That phrase a year ago meant I had nothing left to give to this life. That … Read moreI’m Just So Tired
Let me start by saying that I am no longer in the ER. I was for several hours last night and began writing this post in my mind. My body too tired and taxed from working to breathe, I couldn’t find the energy to type it on my phone as I sat alone in my … Read moreA Letter from the ER
Covid found our household. Gabe woke up sick on the morning of Sunday, December 13th. He seemed to only have a cold, but given that he still goes into work, I sent him to get tested. Out of an abundance of caution, Olivia and I stayed home from church that day and watched remotely. That … Read moreCovid, Quarantine, and PMADs
A Whole Year of Firsts. All those milestones that people look forward to. That first time your tiny newborn can actually make eye contact, holds your finger, smiles, coos. That adorable first laugh, rolling over after you have tried so hard to help your little one figure it out. Sitting up on her own, speaking … Read moreRejoice: A Whole Year of Firsts
Facebook memories. You know the ones. “On This Day 1 year ago….” Followed by whatever you posted at that time. Who would have known that simple morning scroll would have wrecked me? On Thursday, the 19th, these memories consisted of photos from last year in which Olivia received her first bath and “manicure”. Even writing … Read moreI Never Had a Tiny Infant, So Why Am I Crying?
There were so many “I should” statements standing in my way of getting treatment. Being a provider, I took it to an even higher level; as if, having knowledge would somehow preclude me from suffering PMADs. But that is what my mind told me…. I should be able to do this because I knew better. … Read moreI Shouldn’t Need Help!